Being home has had an interesting effect on me this time. It reminds me of what being a family is all about. How to value the time just spent being together, being a family. I’ve been away for so long, and whenever I’ve returned it’s always been with a busy slate of activities or goals. This time was different. The goal was just to be home, and spend time with family.
NYC has a way of warping reality. One can get used to the independence and the ability to do what you want, when you want and however you want. “You can have whatever you want!” echos through my mind when I think about life in NYC. The simple gratification of being home is lost there, bc it’s still not home. Although the most important person is there right now, it still feels like an alien place. Being home this time, I keep thinking about how life would be like with my own family. Making dinner with Hira was a lot of fun, but I think about how it would be fun to make dinner with you. Trying new things and making recipes off the tops of heads and improvising when we forget to get a key element from the grocery store…I can’t help but have my mind wonder to those thoughts again and again. Trying to stay focused tonight at Taraweeh.
Woke up yet again dreaming about her. This time there wasn’t an escalator which had become an odd recurring trend. This time in the dream we were on the same team competing against someone named Carly and her significant other. Don’t recall what the competition was about. But she had a role to beat Carly at something, and I had to beat the guy. I remember thinking in the dream we were totally gonna win. I woke up wondering if we beat Carly.
She has this particular image of what she wants me to be like. Before it was Ferragamo ties and belts. Sometimes it was that my shirts were too tight or my pants too low. Once it was that she thought I should wear 7’s…bc they are awesome. Lately, she stopped asking me for anything other than my time. Saw this and wanted to go get them, but only with her.
I went to Taraweeh prayers at my old mosque. I haven’t prayed Taraweeh there since some time in undergrad. Standing in that familiar room, with that familiar scent, lines up in familiar lines, probably next to some of the same uncles…I found myself reflecting on what has really changed over the last dozen or so years. I was able to achieve and surpass the goals I had set out for myself. At that time, of all the goals I had, the last goal I would have thought that would be unmet was that I would find myself not married. I thought about that a lot as I stood there…trying to let the words of the Quran echo through me. Reaching the culmination of my training, I had thought that the other milestones would have been achieved.
I woke up today missing her like crazy. I do remember having a dream about her. Don’t recall the content though. Woke up thinking about her, missing her, wishing that things were different.
Those thoughts and feelings of missing her somehow get displaced when jealousy reigns it’s ugly head.
So I find myself unhappy and jealous when I come across her talking to certain people. Having the same group of friends is obviously difficult. 2 weeks ago I found myself in that familiar situation where I did not want to continually witness her talking to certain people. I did the mature thing and removed myself from the situation. My absence didn’t seem to bother her. In fact probably made it easier for her to mingle. We spoke at 4 am when she was done doing her thing. I expressed my feelings, and told her why I left. She said that after I left she was not talking to those people and was busy talking to her friends. A video of the evening came up, and low and behold she was on it closing out the party with the people she said she didn’t talk to. It’s not my right to say who she can and can not talk to…she is an adult…but jealous feelings are hard to control and worse when you get glimpses of things you rather not. I should probably focus on prayers for the rest of the month.
Today is the 21st and that means it would have been our 16 month anniversary. Craziness…I remembered!
Being in a relationship you sometimes take the other person for granted. The simple idea that there will always be time in the future to do what we want to do seems natural. People don’t start relationships with a pre-printed expiration date. Over the course of out time together there were so many things that rind me of the to do list that we had running.
-Shakespeare in the Park
-Paddle boats in the park
– Broadway shows that we never got to see
– The one restaurant she pointed out while we got lost on our second date
Along with a huge list of other restaurants. I find myself regretting all the times we could have done those things, but I was lazy, tired or otherwise thought we would have time in the future.
She forgot her laptop at the pizza place? This was the second time in a couple weeks that she had left her laptop in a restaurant. The first time I had 4 blocks back to the Resturant and luckily it was still there. This time she ran back to grab it. I still remember the way she ran up the stairs wearing her gray Uggs and white winter coat.
Meeting for the first time is always a little stressful. Is it going to be awkward? Will we have anything to talk about? Will we click? I remember pulling up to her hotel. I was a little nervous. She said she was walking out as I pulled up. I quickly surveyed my passenger seat to make sure that everything was in order. As I looked up from the seat, I caught a glimpse of girl from the corner of my eye. She was stunning! The most beautiful girl I had ever seen (no joke), and until this day I am wowed every time she opens the door. She walked with such grace and confidence. She was wearing a black peacoat, black leggings and black ankle boots, a black or navy lace dress peaked out underneath the coat. She looked like a lil version of Kim Kardashian with her facial features and looking so stylish. I didn’t REALLY know who Kim Kardashian was, but for a moment that’s the thought that came through my mind. I thought to myself…”if only”. 5 seconds later this lil Kim Kardashian was walking up to my door. I unlocked the car and she said hi or salaam and got in. I don’t remember what I said. I was a little shocked. I remember blinking a few times, tried not to stare and started to drive. Oh man, I was more nervous than before. Why was she so pretty? Why did I notice she was so pretty? I don’t remember anything that happened the first few seconds. I hope I said something that wasn’t retarded…I hope I said something and didn’t just drive like I was mute.
As we pulled out of the hotel parking lot, she started to tell me about the restaurant across the street. It had amazing chicken wings (later I would learn that she loved chicken wings, even though she can only eat like 3), she started talking and all my nervousness went away. She was so easy to talk to. We went to the restaurant she had picked out. After we were seated, we sat and talked and talked and talked. The waiter came by three or four times to take our order and we were just too busy talking. I hope I wasn’t the only one who was so into it. We ordered and I barley ate. I was too busy. She barley ate as well, which I later came to find out is normal for her. I don’t remember much about that dinner other than remembering we just talked a lot …and that she didn’t want dessert (that was concerning). I remember trying to get a good look at her, but I couldn’t. Although she sat across from me the whole time, the only thing I could see was her black hair, her black pea coat and her beautiful big eyes…wow! As floored as I was by her beauty when I first met her, she has become even more beautiful as I have gotten to know her. Her outer beauty is only eclipsed by how beautiful she is inside. Some things don’t change. She can still talk and talk and talk. She still has those ridiculously beautiful eyes and a smile that literally makes my heart skip a beat.
Its seems like it was just a few months ago, when I happened to come across her picture on facebook. She was standing next to my friend and they were both smiling. Just looking at her smile was something of wonderment. It stopped me in my tracks. I happened to look at the tags to find out who she was, thought to myself “cute girl” and then happily went on my way. I was too busy with this new stage in my life to start a relationship. I clicked through some more pictures and I stopped in my tracks again…another pretty girl. I looked at the tag and it was tagged as the same girl. A few minutes later, the same thing happened…same girl. Every time her picture came up I stopped and starred. There was something about her. Not just cute, not just beautiful, but something else… some sense of sweetness that came across in that picture. Through the years I have slowly learned to appreciate that sweetness that she has inside that comes across in her pictures. It’s a sense of selflessly loving something or someone. Something that makes her who she is. I clicked on her profile picture and immediately decided that I had to find out more information. For the first time ever, my mom had a homework assignment.
She has a way of just inducing a sense of euphoria. It doesn’t matter what type of despair I find myself in, a hit of her and I’m feeling high again. My heart beats faster, my mind races yet remains unclear. I lose a grasp of time and all in all am detached from reality. I’m sucked into a world where everything is great. She has this way about turning even the most medial of tasks into exciting adventures. She turns the mundane into something amazing because of her sense of excitement. She flashes that enchanting smile and her eyes light up in wonderment and I’m done…can’t resist. A trip through the Holland Tunnel is somehow much more than a trip into NJ. It becomes something wonderful. A trip to get French fries is an adventure because not only do we have to find the best assortment of dipping sauces, but the way she enjoys them, the happiness she gets by mixing and matching until the perfect blend is achieved is intoxicating. Toast with condensed milk causes her to exude such excitement that I can’t help but get drawn in. Discovering the best noodles will change her from a hysterical crying mess into the most excited person in the room. Even when I try to not get caught up in her excitement, eventually I fall. I can try and stay mad at her, but the sentiment can barely last more than a few minutes. No matter what I do, and how hard I try to avoid it, I get caught up in her happiness. She turns this old grumpy uncle into a happy little boy who wants to run around the city eating cookies…well I guess it’s not really the eating cookies, it just the running around the city with her and her smile. Like any drug, I’m not myself when I am with her…I’m more than myself. Something different. Carefree!!! This worrisome boy that has been over-protective of his family is someone living in the moment, as long as the moment is with her. Just like any drug, without her…I crash. I come plummeting down from my artificial high. Lower than any imaginable low The sense of everything being fantastic is changed to nothing making me happy. A Cookie Monster without a desire for cookies, a Hamburgler who doesn’t want to steal burgers. Without her I am low. Awaiting my next hit so I can reach my high…I’m so addicted.